Day 2

You finally called! But only for 10 seconds, why?!? Can't you hear that i'm dying in pain, why did you use up all your minutes so that by the time you called me, you only had a minute left?? Did you call me because you got the message on the flowers? Did you call because the French apt man told you how urgent and desperate I was? Did you call because you read my emails? Did you call because you thought of me? Why did you call and why only 10 seconds? You said you would turn on your Treo, but you haven't. I can't get through to you again, AHH!! it's so painful to finally have you call, i imagine what it would be like, the questions i'd ask, i imagined it a thousand different ways, but not this... not only 10 seconds to hear you say that you have no time to talk.... without anything else, you hung up, you left, I can't reach you again. all the pain rushing back. i want to cry again. why are you treating me this way? why? doesn't our anniversary date mean anything to you? don't i mean anything anymore, not even one little bit, not even worth more than 10 seconds of your time?

You don't understand you much you've just intensified the pain.  I hate myself for just letting you go like that, i really thought you would turn on the Treo. I really did.

Why her?

Why am I doing this, why do I hurt, what does my love still burn?  Why her?  Simple.  She is the most beautiful and amazing woman I have ever laid eyes upon and she makes my heart beat as if I were a child again.

If I were to list every thing that makes her so wonderful, I would run out of words, language and time before I'd run out of good things to say about her.  I once said she was "graciously ambitious".  Well, she's so much.  In our seven years, I've learned that:

she has the most beautiful, unique and perfect set of hands that I've ever seen...

she can be tough when she needs to be but always so kind and gentle when she's by my side...

she can hold her own in a hostile environment but be as sweet as a lamb when at home...

she is wise beyond her years but yet is still so idealistic...

she is a romantic who knows how to enjoy romance...

she has the most beautiful voice when she hums a song thinking no one is listening...

she is capable to making the unhappiest person happy, bringing rays of happiness into an otherwise empty and wasted life...

when she skips with joy, the whole world just stops and feels right...

her eyes, (i can't talk about this one without having my own get filled with tears) she has the most BEAUTIFUL pair of eyes - ones that radiant the inner depths of her beauty, so full of love, care, understanding, hope, so full of everything we need more of in this world, staring into her eyes always makes me feel like the luckiest man alive...

her youthful enthusiasm, desire to have fun, her spirit... i regret that I did so much to take that away...  if i ever could have the chance, I will protect it as i once protected my own little world of unhappiness, only this time, I know what's important...

her ability to fall asleep at any time and sleep for a long time, it's a sign of a good soul that's at peace with herself...

her laugh, the kind that signals naive joy (never ever with any kind of cruel intent in her laugh), she has the best laughter...

her ability to endure, to sacrifice... to endure and sacrifice being with me... my biggest regret is that I now feel that i didn't make it worth her while, and this thought pains me to death.  I won't lie, i tried, i tried hard to make her happy to show her my love... i just didn't know how and for all my love for her, i didn't understand that i needed to learn how to show her my love...

i could go on... and i will... but just not now, i can't, it is becoming to painful thinking back to all the happy moments and how wonderful she is...

I love her more than anything.

Why this blog?

I'm a first time blogger.  I like to think, but rarely do my thoughts get put into words.  I guess I am blogging because I need some place to channel out everything thought, feeling, emotion, pain, hurt, whatever it is that is inside of me.  Quite frankly, I am overwhelmed emotionally.  This is coming from a rather emotionally callous guy who has a reputation for being too much of a rational nutcase.  Thinking back, when I get into arguments with my gf, I would always argue based on this point and that point, thinking that for some reason analytical insight wins arguments.  STUPID of me.  Whatever, i didn't win jack.  I'll tell you what I won.  What I won was maybe a slight feeling of ego based on a totally flawed perception of the world that I created.  What I LOST was her love, which means more to me than anything else.  I WISH I could go back in time, back to the moments that we ARGUED.  This time, I would STOP THINKING and start LISTENING.  Stop going with the who's right vs. who's wrong and start probing into who's really hurt and what can I DO to MAKE IT BETTER.  Gosh, I was such an idiot.

 

so why this blog?

 

Well, for one, this is good self-therapy.  I have no one to talk to, my gf won't call me, i have a million emotions of hurt bottled inside, and I just need to let it out.  Let it out to place where no one cares and no one knows, but at least it's letting out - and that helps me.  One of my best friends who is going to shanghai tomorrow called, he could tell something was wrong with my voice and asked if I was ok and wanted to hang out.  I said no.  I don't want to talk to anyone about this, except her.  So while I wait, I'll just write.

 

Secondly, writing helps me think back to all the good times and bad times.  I've been unhappy for a long time now and she has had to deal with that for far too long.  I feel deeply sorry and I really want to change for me and for her, for us.  So I hope writing will keep reminding me of what I need to do.  Also, writing helps me look bad in the past and feel (not think) all the things I did wrong and if I were ever to be LUCKY enough to get another shot, how I would do THINGS DIFFERENTLY this time.  

 

I have to change and I'm using this blog to chronicle my attempts at becoming a better person for me, for her and for us.  Am I too naive, is it too late?  I don't know, but the blog must go on.  For her, for us.  For the love of my life.

Day 1 - continued

I miss her, not gonna lie.  I really do.  And it hurts.  There is so much pain.  At some moments, it seems to subside, lessens a bit, but then certain thoughts come to my mind and the pain rushes back with the same intensity as before.  No matter what, the pain is there, it never really goes away.  It just lingers until the next bad thought.  


If someone she meets in France asks her if she has a boyfriend.  I wonder what she would say.  Would she say no?  or Would she say yes?  I can only hope her answer is no.


It hurts, but all this is very humbling.  I harbor no resentment, only regret that I did not wake up earlier.  She must be sleeping so peacefully right now.  I hope I can be the one to make her happy again.  Is she happy?  Does she still need me?  Too many questions, too many thoughts of her, too many thoughts of a future that I cannot see.  I have never been this uncertain about the future before but YET never so CERTAIN about what I must do.  I have to do this for me, for her, for us.


It's so lonely right now.  I don't know if it's because it's late at night or what, but the overwhelming pain that was about to explode has now turned into some sort of a really really sad and melancholic pain.  My heart is yearning to have her beside me.  This pain doesn't want to explode, but it's sharp and it pierces right through.

 

Day 1 - other actions

I tried everything to get through.  I called over a hundred times, no answer.  I called the French leasing agent to try to get a hold of her, he didn't have her number and there's apparently no phone in the apt.  I was so desperate I called him again at 10PM his time to ask him what the apt rm number was.  He forgot, he could only say 1st floor right - whatever that means.  Well, i just FEDEXed a letter to 1st floor right to the address in France with a note of desperation asking for her to call me.  Only FEDEX said that the highest priority would still take 2 days.

Stupid me, why FEDEX when I can send flowers with a note.  Good, just searched about two dozen websites, apparently, they don't do one day delivery.  Even called a bunch of them only to get a French voicemail which I have no clue what was said.  Well I found what that says they do same day delivery (with a nice caveat that says may reserve the to deliver outside of said date), let's hope that things go well and she gets them and i get a call.  I really need to talk to her.  I am still having irregular heartbeats.  I just need to hear her voice, I just need to get the burning questions off my chest.  There is nothing more pressing right now than getting through to her.  Please, please don't let this be it.  Please say you still have a little bit of feelings for me.  That's all I need.  That's all I need. 

Also bought some cards, I will start writing cards.  The silence and contemplation involved with the act of sitting down to write to someone you love will teach me how to love her better.

Day 1

The morning after.  It sucked.  I didn't sleep, and my heart just felt worse.  What's more, my body is starting to tremble, but i told myself I had to get it together.  Time to go to work.  Let's freshen up, take a shower, good thing my arms weren't shaking this time out of the shower.  Driving to work, no joke, almost got into an accident, stay sharp I told myself.

I can't concentrate on a single thing at work, I can only think about her and about us.  What does the future hold.  I continue to call, probably a hundred times now (no exaggeration) but still no answer.  I'm beginning to think that she really doesn't care about me anymore (at all).  I continue to write, but no use, no response.  She is probably asleep by now.

The company had an All Hands meeting.  The entire company at HQ gathered into a room to talk about the upcoming quarter.  The CTO kicks-off the meeting by saying, "Welcome... we are delighted to have our friends from Paris join us..."  a large teleconference video pops up with businessmen speaking w/ a heavy French accent (we recently acquired this company).  Tears JUST popped and started rolling down my eyes as I looked at these Parisian men talk, hearing not a single word of theirs but all the while thinking about my girlfriend (can I even call her than anymore?).  I just cried in front of the company, time to make my way to the restroom.

I couldn't pay attention to what they were saying, I couldn't focus, I called and called and sat at my desk waiting for the day to go back, thinking about how I will go and make this all work again. 

I knew what I needed to do, although I didn't know if it would be enough (sometimes when a woman loses her heart for you, it's gone forever).  But I told myself I will try, I will because I want to and I have never felt so strongly about doing something to achieve something, ever.  I will not let her go so easily. 

I thought about us in the past, why she left and I regretted everything.  I regretted every single f ing mistake I made in my life with her.  Besides being a bad bf and all the other things I said about myself already, I should have never, never allowed her to go back to HK and then to Paris, never. 

I SHOULD HAVE PROPOSED.  Want to know why I didn't?  Because I knew her dream proposal would be one where I would get on my knees by the Seine and propose while we are looking towards the Eiffel Tower.  I had this planned.  I was going to buy her a pair of thick dark sunglasses, take her out one evening on a trip, make her wear the glasses (pretend as if she were blind to go through airport security) and then hop on a plane.  She'd be totally thrilled.  Then I'd make her wear headphones w/ music blasting so she'd hear where the plane was going (totally sightless, noiseless and clueless).  Then we would land and I would propose.  Great idea, except she decided to go to Paris for exchange and I told myself, hey I might as well wait....

I WILL NEVER WAIT AGAIN for something so important that can be done today and put it off until TOMORROW.  I just screwed up the most important thing in my life, the most beautiful thing in my life, the thing I cherish most, I just gave it away because i waited!!  You don't know how much i hate myself at this moment.  I will never forgive me.  I have to change.  I will leave my old self and become a better person.  That way I can still go on while never really forgiving the old me.

I have decided.  I am going to show my gf that her pain has changed something inside of me. This may not sound genuine, but when you're feeling the pain that I'm feeling now, nothing can ever be the same. 

She needs to know how important she is to me.  She needs to know that I desperately want to be a better person for her.  I am going to show her.  I am going to Paris to show her.  If it means to give up everything else that is secondary (job, career, money, etc), I will.  I can do this for her.  I can do this for us.  I can do this for me.  I need to.  I need to do this and become a better person for her.  So that you can be loved by something that she deserves.

I am going to France.

And I am keeping this blog a running blog.  I will chronicle my thoughts about her, that actions I take... I will keep this running until I win her back by showing that I am a better person.  However long it takes...

I prayed to God today.

I don't know if what i'm doing will work, she may not want to see me and she may very well be scared...  I don't know how this will turn out.  I only know that this is what I want to do and have to do.  I have no other desire.  I thought I was ambitious but I could never have a singular focus on my career.  Well, I have a singular focus now.  I am going to do whatever I can to SHOW her that I love her.  SHOW not tell.  And it all starts with my self-transformation.  I will be the man that she needs and deserves, a better person than who I am today and a much better person than who I was yesterday morning.

Day 0

My girlfriend left me.  My last moment with her was when were holding each other at the airport as she was preparing to pass through security check.  As she entered the line, I walked away, not daring to turn around as I had tears streaming down my eyes.  I wasn't sure what would happen, if you'd still love me after Paris.  But I found out later that evening that she had left me.  Her physical presence and her heart.

Rage was the first reaction, but I could do nothing.  She was on a plane, thousands of miles away, on her way to Paris.  I had questions, lots of them, a million why's/how could you's/i can't believe... types of questions.  Shocking pain, hurt, resentment and disappointment all bottled inside of me.  My world was buzzing, I began to have trouble breathing.  Tried to take a shower, and when I came out, my arms were trembling and my left hand felt numb with a sharp tingling sensation. 

I tried to call, she should have arrived already.  But no answer.  I called, again, and again and again.  No answer.  I felt I was losing control, serious control of who I am and what I was about to do.  I needed more badly at that MOMENT to talk to her than anything else.  I needed to ask her why and all the other questions.  I needed to know if she still had feelings for me.  I needed to know if she had lied to me about what she had said this morning.  I needed to know.  I needed assurance that there was still hope. 

I have never felt so much pain nor could i have ever imagined that a broken heart was this painful.  Pain diving so deep that it pierces into your bones.  Pain so sharp and overwhelming that it consumes you, pain from WITHIN, pain that makes your heart yearn, pain that breaks everything you have ever known about yourself.  Pain so strong that it not only consumed me but it CHANGED me.  With tears streaming in my eyes, my body laid broken.  My heart was broken....

...but strangely, I felt the beginning of a an awakening in spirit.  I had strange feeling, a feeling I could not make out that night.  But in retrospect, on the day after, I realized that while my heart was broken, my dormant soul and spirit was finally waking up.  The pain was so sharp, so strong, that it broke my pride, broke my selfishness, broke my outlook on the world, it broke everything that i had created in my own little world.  In doing so, it also washed away all the anger, all the resentment I had towards my girlfriend, it washed away me, the man that i was up until the moment she left me.

I don't blame her, it was my fault.  She loved me for 6 years, if she left me, it was my fault and my fault only.  I had no excuse not to be able to keep her.  I lost her out of my own selfishness, my own indecision, my own ego, my lack of respect for her needs, and the blatant overconfidence and overvaluing of my own needs.  I lost her.  And now I can't ask her to give me one more chance.  That would be TOO selfish of me to ask her to come back to the life she wanted to get away from.  I can't ask for another chance.  I have to make a NEW chance for us....

Back to that night, I must have called her over 60 times that night from 9 to 6 in the morning, but I never got to her.  I laid in bed wide awake, on a night when my body should have crashed from the week's chronic lack of sleep, I laid wide awake, my body full of a sick sort of adrenaline.  I have NEVER felt so much pain in my life.  Pain deep within me, irregular heart rhythms, as if I was nervous, scared... the sort of fear that one has when one is facing some sort of impending tragedy.  I was scared, scared to accept that I would lose her.  Even more scared that I already had.

I laid wide awake that night, waiting, hoping for a call.  But it never came.  My heart never recovered.