Day 0

My girlfriend left me.  My last moment with her was when were holding each other at the airport as she was preparing to pass through security check.  As she entered the line, I walked away, not daring to turn around as I had tears streaming down my eyes.  I wasn't sure what would happen, if you'd still love me after Paris.  But I found out later that evening that she had left me.  Her physical presence and her heart.

Rage was the first reaction, but I could do nothing.  She was on a plane, thousands of miles away, on her way to Paris.  I had questions, lots of them, a million why's/how could you's/i can't believe... types of questions.  Shocking pain, hurt, resentment and disappointment all bottled inside of me.  My world was buzzing, I began to have trouble breathing.  Tried to take a shower, and when I came out, my arms were trembling and my left hand felt numb with a sharp tingling sensation. 

I tried to call, she should have arrived already.  But no answer.  I called, again, and again and again.  No answer.  I felt I was losing control, serious control of who I am and what I was about to do.  I needed more badly at that MOMENT to talk to her than anything else.  I needed to ask her why and all the other questions.  I needed to know if she still had feelings for me.  I needed to know if she had lied to me about what she had said this morning.  I needed to know.  I needed assurance that there was still hope. 

I have never felt so much pain nor could i have ever imagined that a broken heart was this painful.  Pain diving so deep that it pierces into your bones.  Pain so sharp and overwhelming that it consumes you, pain from WITHIN, pain that makes your heart yearn, pain that breaks everything you have ever known about yourself.  Pain so strong that it not only consumed me but it CHANGED me.  With tears streaming in my eyes, my body laid broken.  My heart was broken....

...but strangely, I felt the beginning of a an awakening in spirit.  I had strange feeling, a feeling I could not make out that night.  But in retrospect, on the day after, I realized that while my heart was broken, my dormant soul and spirit was finally waking up.  The pain was so sharp, so strong, that it broke my pride, broke my selfishness, broke my outlook on the world, it broke everything that i had created in my own little world.  In doing so, it also washed away all the anger, all the resentment I had towards my girlfriend, it washed away me, the man that i was up until the moment she left me.

I don't blame her, it was my fault.  She loved me for 6 years, if she left me, it was my fault and my fault only.  I had no excuse not to be able to keep her.  I lost her out of my own selfishness, my own indecision, my own ego, my lack of respect for her needs, and the blatant overconfidence and overvaluing of my own needs.  I lost her.  And now I can't ask her to give me one more chance.  That would be TOO selfish of me to ask her to come back to the life she wanted to get away from.  I can't ask for another chance.  I have to make a NEW chance for us....

Back to that night, I must have called her over 60 times that night from 9 to 6 in the morning, but I never got to her.  I laid in bed wide awake, on a night when my body should have crashed from the week's chronic lack of sleep, I laid wide awake, my body full of a sick sort of adrenaline.  I have NEVER felt so much pain in my life.  Pain deep within me, irregular heart rhythms, as if I was nervous, scared... the sort of fear that one has when one is facing some sort of impending tragedy.  I was scared, scared to accept that I would lose her.  Even more scared that I already had.

I laid wide awake that night, waiting, hoping for a call.  But it never came.  My heart never recovered.