Day 1

The morning after.  It sucked.  I didn't sleep, and my heart just felt worse.  What's more, my body is starting to tremble, but i told myself I had to get it together.  Time to go to work.  Let's freshen up, take a shower, good thing my arms weren't shaking this time out of the shower.  Driving to work, no joke, almost got into an accident, stay sharp I told myself.

I can't concentrate on a single thing at work, I can only think about her and about us.  What does the future hold.  I continue to call, probably a hundred times now (no exaggeration) but still no answer.  I'm beginning to think that she really doesn't care about me anymore (at all).  I continue to write, but no use, no response.  She is probably asleep by now.

The company had an All Hands meeting.  The entire company at HQ gathered into a room to talk about the upcoming quarter.  The CTO kicks-off the meeting by saying, "Welcome... we are delighted to have our friends from Paris join us..."  a large teleconference video pops up with businessmen speaking w/ a heavy French accent (we recently acquired this company).  Tears JUST popped and started rolling down my eyes as I looked at these Parisian men talk, hearing not a single word of theirs but all the while thinking about my girlfriend (can I even call her than anymore?).  I just cried in front of the company, time to make my way to the restroom.

I couldn't pay attention to what they were saying, I couldn't focus, I called and called and sat at my desk waiting for the day to go back, thinking about how I will go and make this all work again. 

I knew what I needed to do, although I didn't know if it would be enough (sometimes when a woman loses her heart for you, it's gone forever).  But I told myself I will try, I will because I want to and I have never felt so strongly about doing something to achieve something, ever.  I will not let her go so easily. 

I thought about us in the past, why she left and I regretted everything.  I regretted every single f ing mistake I made in my life with her.  Besides being a bad bf and all the other things I said about myself already, I should have never, never allowed her to go back to HK and then to Paris, never. 

I SHOULD HAVE PROPOSED.  Want to know why I didn't?  Because I knew her dream proposal would be one where I would get on my knees by the Seine and propose while we are looking towards the Eiffel Tower.  I had this planned.  I was going to buy her a pair of thick dark sunglasses, take her out one evening on a trip, make her wear the glasses (pretend as if she were blind to go through airport security) and then hop on a plane.  She'd be totally thrilled.  Then I'd make her wear headphones w/ music blasting so she'd hear where the plane was going (totally sightless, noiseless and clueless).  Then we would land and I would propose.  Great idea, except she decided to go to Paris for exchange and I told myself, hey I might as well wait....

I WILL NEVER WAIT AGAIN for something so important that can be done today and put it off until TOMORROW.  I just screwed up the most important thing in my life, the most beautiful thing in my life, the thing I cherish most, I just gave it away because i waited!!  You don't know how much i hate myself at this moment.  I will never forgive me.  I have to change.  I will leave my old self and become a better person.  That way I can still go on while never really forgiving the old me.

I have decided.  I am going to show my gf that her pain has changed something inside of me. This may not sound genuine, but when you're feeling the pain that I'm feeling now, nothing can ever be the same. 

She needs to know how important she is to me.  She needs to know that I desperately want to be a better person for her.  I am going to show her.  I am going to Paris to show her.  If it means to give up everything else that is secondary (job, career, money, etc), I will.  I can do this for her.  I can do this for us.  I can do this for me.  I need to.  I need to do this and become a better person for her.  So that you can be loved by something that she deserves.

I am going to France.

And I am keeping this blog a running blog.  I will chronicle my thoughts about her, that actions I take... I will keep this running until I win her back by showing that I am a better person.  However long it takes...

I prayed to God today.

I don't know if what i'm doing will work, she may not want to see me and she may very well be scared...  I don't know how this will turn out.  I only know that this is what I want to do and have to do.  I have no other desire.  I thought I was ambitious but I could never have a singular focus on my career.  Well, I have a singular focus now.  I am going to do whatever I can to SHOW her that I love her.  SHOW not tell.  And it all starts with my self-transformation.  I will be the man that she needs and deserves, a better person than who I am today and a much better person than who I was yesterday morning.