newme's posterous http://newme.posterous.com For the love of my life posterous.com Tue, 16 Sep 2008 02:44:23 -0700 Day 11 - enough of the pessimism http://newme.posterous.com/day-11-enough-of-the-pessimism http://newme.posterous.com/day-11-enough-of-the-pessimism

I told myself i will be a better person to be a better bf adn i will do that. so scratch out the previous post and let's focus on the new me...

She doesn't want to come because she doesn't feel loved... because i had said i was coming but my F**KING company won't let me F**KING leave because all they ever want to do is squeeze resources so i can't even F**KING quit my F**KING job without getting a straight answer as to when i can get my A** out of there and move on with my life.... and to think, this is what i get working at a billion dollar+ company.

Anyhow, back to the more important things in life, my gf feels that i am not committed to going to France... BUT SHE IS WRONG... i miss her so badly and need to see her so much, i'm losing my mind... )

But i can understand.  the old me would be FURIOUS, i would be angry that she's treating me unfairly because (dude), i'm doing my BEST, (pushing my boss to let me go, but when they say no, they say no, i guess i could leave on unfriendly terms and tarnish my rep within the small industry, but i'm choosing to be a little smarter about the situation)  So yes, the old me would be FURIOUS on my can't my gf understand what seems such a simple/rational idea (let's leave on good terms)... so because i dn't know my final date, i obviously can't buy flights, which means i obviously can't commit to when i will arrive in France... all of this leads my gf to think that i don't care...  TOTALLY NOT TRUE, but that's how she feels... the old me would have tried to push reason into her... but NOT THE NEW ME!

NEWME's Approach

Well, the gf is unhappy not because she doesn't understand the work situation... actually the gf does understand but her desire to say NO to france is because it's emotionally difficult for her... You see, the truth is, she just misses me, A LOT, i like to think :), and because she misses me and has been waiting for me to tell her when i'm coming, she's been getting her hopes up each and every day only to be disappointed when i say i don't know... she's probably getting sad because she misses me and the natural reaction to being sad is to tell me not to come, that way she won't have to be disappointed... she's not disappointed in me, just the whole situation and wondering why i'm not more proactive... WHICH REMINDS me, i NEED to be PROACTIVE... how? 

By allowing her to know that i ABSOLUTELY can't wait to get my A** to france... so here's the plan, gf if you're out there, this is my demonstration to you that i love you and love to get to France ASAP... I want to go so badly that I have a 4 DAY PLAN MAPPED OUT... as demonstration of how much i think about you and about going to France.

Day 1
- Sightsee the major landmarks... this is teh day when we explore france together as if we're first timers, getting to know the major historic sites and share w/ each other a lifetime of memories basked in the most romantic city in the world.  our agenda is as follows:
- go to La Tour Eiffel
- walk down hand in hand along the champs elysee
- visit an impressionist museum and roll our eyes in awe at monet, renoir, and the rest of the greats
- eat very very nice french food
- take a walk along the seine and enjoy the beauty of the weather, enjoy holding her hand as we pass the gardens
- at night take a river cruise along the seine and enjoy the beautiful view of the nighttime landscape
- then... we'll i won't go into what's next.... but we'll be staying in a nice hotel in PAKRI

Day 2
- the get to know the ins and outs of PAKRI day...
- with the major landmarks done, today is teh bask in the glory of paris day, trying to immerse ourselves in the local city of france
- goals, hit up a small french bakery to try really fresh bread in the morning
- visit the local street shops in paris
- visit what a local paris book store and coffee shop is like (we like books adn we like coffee)
- take teh subway together holding hands
- watch a show in PAKRI that evening
- basically do what we can to try to blend in and understand the parisian lifestyle, this means we will be eating a lot of different foods

Day 3
i call this the get to know my gf's lifestyle day
- go visit where she lives, where she goes to school
- maybe stop by the palace of versailles...
- go help her do shoopping, errands, anything that she needs to get done,
- the make her life better while you're in pakri for after you're in pakri day

Day 4
- i just want to spend time w/ her, it doesn't matter where we go, what we do, i just want to be with her and i will be so sad when this day is over...

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Tue, 16 Sep 2008 02:42:32 -0700 Day 11 http://newme.posterous.com/day-11 http://newme.posterous.com/day-11 I am so tired, (same start as the last post... unoriginal, but it's the truth). I am currently very frustrated, it was around 1:25 when i got a text message from my gf, but I CAN"T CALL HER BACK because the freaking iPHONE has a no service message in an area where my blackberry next to me has 6 BARS... too bad i can' tmake an international call w/ the blackberry.

I miss my gf a lot, but i don't think she knows that, id on't even think she cares for that matter. today was a shitty day, i am overworked, it's 2 in the morning and i never get enough sleep anymore, but what made the day so shitty was when my gf told me she didn't want me to come to france anymore... :( i was so happy, i thought we really HAD RECONCILED our differences, but i guess not...

apparently she still has doubts adn i can feel it, no matter what she says, i can feel her doubts, she's never been close to me the day I left HK, and no matter what she says, i just don't feel loved anymore (funny how i'm the one saying this now...)

I wish she would come back to me... but i'm not sure if it will ever happen, i'm really not sure and it makes me sad....

She doesn't want me to go to paris anymore, maybe she's thinking about someone else, maybe she'd rather have someone else come....

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Fri, 12 Sep 2008 02:18:32 -0700 Day 8 http://newme.posterous.com/day-8 http://newme.posterous.com/day-8 I am so tired, i got back well past one this evening and will have to get up early to drive to san mateo for a meeting in person. i don't know how i am going to make it.. actually i do know, everything i get tired, like right now, i'm just going to power through by thinking about my wonderful gf and keep telling myself that whatever it is that i am doing, it will be better for us and as long as it will be better for us, then i'm down to keep on going. i love her and i hope she knows it and will love me back, i hope she loves me only and will never love someone else, miss someone else, think about someone else, or say sweet things to someone else, i love her and i need her badly to love me only.... selfish i know, but i can't do without her... that's just the way it is, that's just the way things have become, that's just the way things are... not much to it, i just love her that much.

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Thu, 11 Sep 2008 00:39:24 -0700 Day 7 http://newme.posterous.com/day-7 http://newme.posterous.com/day-7 Not much happening today, been really busy at work. I miss my gf a lot, she is so cute when she sleeps. She is sleeping right now in France, but I wish I could talk to her. I hope you dreams of me and I hope I dream of her. Wow, that was really cheesy, i must be really tired today and have run out of creative juices, so i'm going to have to stop my semi half assed attempt at writing a good blog entry today.

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Tue, 09 Sep 2008 23:49:33 -0700 Day 6 http://newme.posterous.com/day-6-1 http://newme.posterous.com/day-6-1 Isn't there a quote that goes something like "love has a many splendid wonders..." Anyhow, the power of love definitely sounds cheesy (and as cheesy as it sounds - i know), i'm going to have to say its true. One week ago, I was doing what i've always been doing... working on something to get to somewhere without really asking if what i was doing was worth the moment.

It was until the fear that i had lost my gf forever that (to put it crudely) i really had my ass lit on fire. When she had left for France, that night I really thought she had left for good. In the past, when i face failure (career or something of a similar sort), things just felt bad... a horrible discomfort that eats away at you. It eats away at you because that kind of failure is just bad enough to put you down but not so bad that it kills you. But the realization that my gf may be gone, NOW that was beyond bad... that wasn't the kind of feeling of that "eats away at you", it just eats you up and totally destroys you emotionally. But strangely, because that feeling was so bad, it made everything else easy.

When I face career setbacks, it hard to get back up, it really is because of the fear of another failure. It's almost as if, well i'm doing pretty good now (not great, but definitely not bad), do i want to pick it up another gear and fail? I guess if i can deal w/ feeling unhappy (and have it eat away at me slowly), that's better than trying something new and failing...

WIth my gf leaving, it was a different story. Basically, I felt that I couldn't live without her and because that was a certainty in my mind, everything else was easy - especially FAILURE. I could quit my job, move to France for 3 months, bring her breakfast (fresh french bakery) every morning, run to shapen myself up, read, do whatever it takes to be a better bf and better person even if i felt i didn't have more than a 1% chance of getting her back. When you want something so badly, and when everything focuses on that one goal, then things like failure, hard work, all of those things just seem so peripheral. I can afford to fail because failing in that sense is better than not going to try to get her back.

This is where the power of love comes in. If anything, i'm more inspired now by my gf than i've ever been. I want to take what she's taught me about love and life and apply it to better a generally more happy, spirited and proactive person. So what have i done, well, i walked in today and told my boss that i'm leaving. I'm leaving one of the best jobs in the market for my given field at one of the hottest companies to go take a 50% pay cut and join a soon to be three man company. Why? Because that's what i've always wanted to do and my gf just taught me that you can only bring out the best in you if you go for what really matters to you. So there it is, it isn't the $, the security, or even the prestige, it's all for taking the chance to do something that i would consider amazing and that i can be proud of myself for doing.

And if it fails, big deal, I will still have what's most important (I hope), my gf. That's the power of love.

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Tue, 09 Sep 2008 00:08:53 -0700 Day 5 http://newme.posterous.com/day-5 http://newme.posterous.com/day-5 I spoke to her today again a few times, called her in the morning when I was driving to work and then we chatted a few times while at work. It's so strange, I'm super happy that the realization of what's truly important during those long 30 hours is still holding up. I remember I used to so incredibly anal about managing perception. Back in the days, whenever my sweet gf would call me, I'd have to try to make sure no one else was around (worried that people would think i'm spending work time w/ my gf). In retrospect, that's just ridiculous. Look, i'm not spending quality work time flirting with a new girl I met on a date during the past weekend, nor am i using work time to try to get together with a new love interest. I AM TALKING to MY GF, the woman i love who i want to take care of for the rest of her live. It's like talking to your wife. Hey, if you can't spare time to talk to your wife when she's got questions while you're at work, or you're at a point where there is nothing to talk about, then i feel sorry for you, just like i feel so sorry for the person that i was. I'm going to talk to my gf during work if she needs me.

So yes, i picked up the call, nonchalantly walked to the kitchen area (where it's just in front of where MY SVP sits ) and just chatted, making sure that everything was alright in France. like i said, i'm gonna learn how to be a better bf.

Which leads me to the next things i'm doing which is ordering a wireless router for her which she needs shipped to her address in France. I love amazon. Why? even though it's obviously cheaper to buy it in france, i don't need to pay the exchange rate or euro premium...

Well i've told myself, one goal I have to be a better BF is that i should wake up asking myself everything what are the 3 THINGS that i can do today to make my gf happier. everyday i should have a target of 3, regardless of how small they are. some days i may not do all three, some days i'll do five, some days there may be a couple big ones, some day maybe small three ones... but regardless, i want to have the mindset of waking up and asking myself what are the few things i can do today that can make a positive impact for her.... same mindset i have when i get up to go to work... i'm hoping this can help me be a better bf...

on a side note, i noticed that she is not very happy, i can tell in her voice... this makes me a little depressed. i fee l like i'm living on a high note because she has stated she is coming back to me, but at the same time, just by her voice, i can tell that something is different... is she tired from trying to get situated in a new place in france? or is it something more... i hope i'm overthinking but for some reason, her voice doesn't sound like what i'm used to hearing... almost as if she hasn't fully come back to me yet... almost as if i'm only partially in her mind and in her heart... and that there is something in between the invisible space between us. this worries me. i really hope i can make her feel completely comfortable in us again.

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Sun, 07 Sep 2008 23:34:41 -0700 Day 4 - evening http://newme.posterous.com/day-4-evening http://newme.posterous.com/day-4-evening I am so tired, just got back from work, but I am happy to be thinking about her... Everything just seems better when i think about her. I really want it to work.

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Sun, 07 Sep 2008 23:11:54 -0700 Day 4 http://newme.posterous.com/day-4-0 http://newme.posterous.com/day-4-0

Got up this morning after 3 hours of sleep, but I don't feel tired, as a matter of fact, I felt pretty good because I went to sleep sending my gf a lovely message and I got up thinking about her and actually had a chance to call her and speak to her about half an hour.  This was huge, it feels like it's been forever since I've had a chance to talk to her for more than half an hour.  I'm happy to know that she wants me to come to France.  That's huge.  Now I don't have to stress about barging my way into Paris without even knowing if she'd see me.  This is big, we are going to have a good time in Paris (I hope all goes well). 

Great morning.  Definitely will not be needing sleep when I can get up, walk outside to sunny California weather and listen to my gf try to speak French, too cute.  It looks like I need to start practicing my parlez-vous Francais...

Or should I just work on that je t'aime line...

By the way, I really gotta thank flower service in France, gotta give a plug to interflora.fr.  They really helped me out.  Apparently I gave them the wrong unit number and they still managed to deliver the flowers to the right person without any contact info.  That's called taking customer service to a whole new level. 

It's gonna be a long work day today, but I days seem to go by faster when I think about her.  It makes a big difference.

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Sun, 07 Sep 2008 23:11:09 -0700 Day 3 http://newme.posterous.com/day-3-0 http://newme.posterous.com/day-3-0

Today was the best day BY FAR in what was one of my the worst weeks in memory.  What an emotional roller-coaster.  I went from missing and longing my gf to getting excited and preparing for her arrival to the US, only to be disappointed later when I realized she was going to be coming back one day later than planned and will be leaving one day earlier.  Then I saw her, which was the high at that point in the week, something that I was anxious about up until that point, only then to see her go, later fearing that she may have left me completely.  Then there was about 30 hours of pure pain and desperation, followed by the second phone call which just brought all the lows back to a new high.  Day 3, I can honestly say that I am spent, emotionally spent.

It felt soooooooooo good talking to her again and getting her reassurance that everything will be okay.  If there is one thing that I want going forward, it's that I want us to follow through on the commitments we make to each other.  I will assure her that I will change and yes, learn to be a better boyfriend.  How can I do that?  Well, step one will be to learn how to show her that I care. 

You see, the truth is whenever my gf is not around me, I do worry about her and wonder how she is doing.  I felt this way when she was working in Hong Kong this summer.  I always wondered if she would still be working or if she'd be asleep and if she needed any help with what she was working on, how her bosses and co-worker treated her.  I would wonder if everything is okay.  I knew she would be fine because she is so strong and so competent and most importantly, has her head on the right priorities much better than me, so i knew she would be fine in Hong Kong. 

But that was the problem.  I should have learned earlier that loving someone is about making the extra effort to show that person that you cared.  And that's what I'm going to do.  I am going to learn how to do that, even if it means asking overly obvious questions, I want to make sure that she knows that my mind is constantly on her. 

I will ask her about the weather in France and whether or not she has an umbrella if it is raining.  I will ask her if she has everything she needs as she gets situated into France.  I will not be too proud as to ask her if there are French men pursuing her.  I will ask her the little things, about whether or not she knows how to commute to where she needs to go and I will ask her the big things such as whether or not she has all the right insurance coverages for her travel overseas. 

For too much of my life, I've lived alone.  Growing up, I sort of had to figure things out for myself.  No one really could hand me things on a silver platter and I accepted the world to be as such.  I don't resent it, I see it as reality.  While I learned to take of myself, I never did learn how to take care of someone else... never did learn about the importance of all the little things, the things that I never really had in my life.

It's never too late to learn they say, and I will learn, learn to love my girlfriend better, learn to show her that I care, learn the little things.

I remember the first week we spent together in Japan.  We talked and talked and talked and in one conversation that I'll never forget, I complimented her on how perceptive she was, how wise she was, and how she could know the right answers to things intuitively because she paid attention to the little things, and it was the little things that brought her to me.  It's too bad I never developed her attention to little things because it was these little things that almost caused me to lose her. 

So the lesson learned?  Little things shouldn't be belittled.  The only things "little" about little things is that it only takes a "little" effort to show someone that you love them.  These "little" things really set the foundation for the kind of "big" things you can enjoy with someone.  In this case, these little things will only make me love her more.

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Sat, 06 Sep 2008 02:29:17 -0700 Am I dreamin? http://newme.posterous.com/am-i-dreamin http://newme.posterous.com/am-i-dreamin

Is it true! is it really really true!  I just spoke to the love of my life and she told me she wanted me to come to France to see her.  She says she misses me on our anniversary day.  She said everything will be fine, that she wanted to come back to me.  She said that she loved me and that she only loved me. 

For all the pain i've felt the last 30 plus hours, all of that is gone and now i just feel so great about life to have a renewed chance.  I feel so happy just to have her back.  life is good.  life has treated me well.  Thank you God. 

I've learned a very important lesson from all this.  Even though she has come back to me, I will still follow through with what I've committed myself to doing, for me, for her and for us.  I will learn how to love her better.  I will learn how to make us happier.  I will learn to listen better.  I will learn how to show my love better.  I will be stronger, I will be happier, I will take action when I have to, I will not wait, I will be the man that she so deserves.

 

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Sat, 06 Sep 2008 01:16:00 -0700 Day 2 http://newme.posterous.com/day-2-4 http://newme.posterous.com/day-2-4

You finally called! But only for 10 seconds, why?!? Can't you hear that i'm dying in pain, why did you use up all your minutes so that by the time you called me, you only had a minute left?? Did you call me because you got the message on the flowers? Did you call because the French apt man told you how urgent and desperate I was? Did you call because you read my emails? Did you call because you thought of me? Why did you call and why only 10 seconds? You said you would turn on your Treo, but you haven't. I can't get through to you again, AHH!! it's so painful to finally have you call, i imagine what it would be like, the questions i'd ask, i imagined it a thousand different ways, but not this... not only 10 seconds to hear you say that you have no time to talk.... without anything else, you hung up, you left, I can't reach you again. all the pain rushing back. i want to cry again. why are you treating me this way? why? doesn't our anniversary date mean anything to you? don't i mean anything anymore, not even one little bit, not even worth more than 10 seconds of your time?

You don't understand you much you've just intensified the pain.  I hate myself for just letting you go like that, i really thought you would turn on the Treo. I really did.

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Fri, 05 Sep 2008 22:56:00 -0700 Why her? http://newme.posterous.com/why-her http://newme.posterous.com/why-her

Why am I doing this, why do I hurt, what does my love still burn?  Why her?  Simple.  She is the most beautiful and amazing woman I have ever laid eyes upon and she makes my heart beat as if I were a child again.

If I were to list every thing that makes her so wonderful, I would run out of words, language and time before I'd run out of good things to say about her.  I once said she was "graciously ambitious".  Well, she's so much.  In our seven years, I've learned that:

she has the most beautiful, unique and perfect set of hands that I've ever seen...

she can be tough when she needs to be but always so kind and gentle when she's by my side...

she can hold her own in a hostile environment but be as sweet as a lamb when at home...

she is wise beyond her years but yet is still so idealistic...

she is a romantic who knows how to enjoy romance...

she has the most beautiful voice when she hums a song thinking no one is listening...

she is capable to making the unhappiest person happy, bringing rays of happiness into an otherwise empty and wasted life...

when she skips with joy, the whole world just stops and feels right...

her eyes, (i can't talk about this one without having my own get filled with tears) she has the most BEAUTIFUL pair of eyes - ones that radiant the inner depths of her beauty, so full of love, care, understanding, hope, so full of everything we need more of in this world, staring into her eyes always makes me feel like the luckiest man alive...

her youthful enthusiasm, desire to have fun, her spirit... i regret that I did so much to take that away...  if i ever could have the chance, I will protect it as i once protected my own little world of unhappiness, only this time, I know what's important...

her ability to fall asleep at any time and sleep for a long time, it's a sign of a good soul that's at peace with herself...

her laugh, the kind that signals naive joy (never ever with any kind of cruel intent in her laugh), she has the best laughter...

her ability to endure, to sacrifice... to endure and sacrifice being with me... my biggest regret is that I now feel that i didn't make it worth her while, and this thought pains me to death.  I won't lie, i tried, i tried hard to make her happy to show her my love... i just didn't know how and for all my love for her, i didn't understand that i needed to learn how to show her my love...

i could go on... and i will... but just not now, i can't, it is becoming to painful thinking back to all the happy moments and how wonderful she is...

I love her more than anything.

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Fri, 05 Sep 2008 22:20:00 -0700 Why this blog? http://newme.posterous.com/why-this-blog http://newme.posterous.com/why-this-blog

I'm a first time blogger.  I like to think, but rarely do my thoughts get put into words.  I guess I am blogging because I need some place to channel out everything thought, feeling, emotion, pain, hurt, whatever it is that is inside of me.  Quite frankly, I am overwhelmed emotionally.  This is coming from a rather emotionally callous guy who has a reputation for being too much of a rational nutcase.  Thinking back, when I get into arguments with my gf, I would always argue based on this point and that point, thinking that for some reason analytical insight wins arguments.  STUPID of me.  Whatever, i didn't win jack.  I'll tell you what I won.  What I won was maybe a slight feeling of ego based on a totally flawed perception of the world that I created.  What I LOST was her love, which means more to me than anything else.  I WISH I could go back in time, back to the moments that we ARGUED.  This time, I would STOP THINKING and start LISTENING.  Stop going with the who's right vs. who's wrong and start probing into who's really hurt and what can I DO to MAKE IT BETTER.  Gosh, I was such an idiot.

 

so why this blog?

 

Well, for one, this is good self-therapy.  I have no one to talk to, my gf won't call me, i have a million emotions of hurt bottled inside, and I just need to let it out.  Let it out to place where no one cares and no one knows, but at least it's letting out - and that helps me.  One of my best friends who is going to shanghai tomorrow called, he could tell something was wrong with my voice and asked if I was ok and wanted to hang out.  I said no.  I don't want to talk to anyone about this, except her.  So while I wait, I'll just write.

 

Secondly, writing helps me think back to all the good times and bad times.  I've been unhappy for a long time now and she has had to deal with that for far too long.  I feel deeply sorry and I really want to change for me and for her, for us.  So I hope writing will keep reminding me of what I need to do.  Also, writing helps me look bad in the past and feel (not think) all the things I did wrong and if I were ever to be LUCKY enough to get another shot, how I would do THINGS DIFFERENTLY this time.  

 

I have to change and I'm using this blog to chronicle my attempts at becoming a better person for me, for her and for us.  Am I too naive, is it too late?  I don't know, but the blog must go on.  For her, for us.  For the love of my life.

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Fri, 05 Sep 2008 22:19:00 -0700 Day 1 - continued http://newme.posterous.com/day-1-continued http://newme.posterous.com/day-1-continued

I miss her, not gonna lie.  I really do.  And it hurts.  There is so much pain.  At some moments, it seems to subside, lessens a bit, but then certain thoughts come to my mind and the pain rushes back with the same intensity as before.  No matter what, the pain is there, it never really goes away.  It just lingers until the next bad thought.  


If someone she meets in France asks her if she has a boyfriend.  I wonder what she would say.  Would she say no?  or Would she say yes?  I can only hope her answer is no.


It hurts, but all this is very humbling.  I harbor no resentment, only regret that I did not wake up earlier.  She must be sleeping so peacefully right now.  I hope I can be the one to make her happy again.  Is she happy?  Does she still need me?  Too many questions, too many thoughts of her, too many thoughts of a future that I cannot see.  I have never been this uncertain about the future before but YET never so CERTAIN about what I must do.  I have to do this for me, for her, for us.


It's so lonely right now.  I don't know if it's because it's late at night or what, but the overwhelming pain that was about to explode has now turned into some sort of a really really sad and melancholic pain.  My heart is yearning to have her beside me.  This pain doesn't want to explode, but it's sharp and it pierces right through.

 

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Fri, 05 Sep 2008 21:21:49 -0700 Day 1 - other actions http://newme.posterous.com/day-1-other-actions http://newme.posterous.com/day-1-other-actions

I tried everything to get through.  I called over a hundred times, no answer.  I called the French leasing agent to try to get a hold of her, he didn't have her number and there's apparently no phone in the apt.  I was so desperate I called him again at 10PM his time to ask him what the apt rm number was.  He forgot, he could only say 1st floor right - whatever that means.  Well, i just FEDEXed a letter to 1st floor right to the address in France with a note of desperation asking for her to call me.  Only FEDEX said that the highest priority would still take 2 days.

Stupid me, why FEDEX when I can send flowers with a note.  Good, just searched about two dozen websites, apparently, they don't do one day delivery.  Even called a bunch of them only to get a French voicemail which I have no clue what was said.  Well I found what that says they do same day delivery (with a nice caveat that says may reserve the to deliver outside of said date), let's hope that things go well and she gets them and i get a call.  I really need to talk to her.  I am still having irregular heartbeats.  I just need to hear her voice, I just need to get the burning questions off my chest.  There is nothing more pressing right now than getting through to her.  Please, please don't let this be it.  Please say you still have a little bit of feelings for me.  That's all I need.  That's all I need. 

Also bought some cards, I will start writing cards.  The silence and contemplation involved with the act of sitting down to write to someone you love will teach me how to love her better.

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Fri, 05 Sep 2008 21:20:57 -0700 Day 1 http://newme.posterous.com/day-1-4 http://newme.posterous.com/day-1-4

The morning after.  It sucked.  I didn't sleep, and my heart just felt worse.  What's more, my body is starting to tremble, but i told myself I had to get it together.  Time to go to work.  Let's freshen up, take a shower, good thing my arms weren't shaking this time out of the shower.  Driving to work, no joke, almost got into an accident, stay sharp I told myself.

I can't concentrate on a single thing at work, I can only think about her and about us.  What does the future hold.  I continue to call, probably a hundred times now (no exaggeration) but still no answer.  I'm beginning to think that she really doesn't care about me anymore (at all).  I continue to write, but no use, no response.  She is probably asleep by now.

The company had an All Hands meeting.  The entire company at HQ gathered into a room to talk about the upcoming quarter.  The CTO kicks-off the meeting by saying, "Welcome... we are delighted to have our friends from Paris join us..."  a large teleconference video pops up with businessmen speaking w/ a heavy French accent (we recently acquired this company).  Tears JUST popped and started rolling down my eyes as I looked at these Parisian men talk, hearing not a single word of theirs but all the while thinking about my girlfriend (can I even call her than anymore?).  I just cried in front of the company, time to make my way to the restroom.

I couldn't pay attention to what they were saying, I couldn't focus, I called and called and sat at my desk waiting for the day to go back, thinking about how I will go and make this all work again. 

I knew what I needed to do, although I didn't know if it would be enough (sometimes when a woman loses her heart for you, it's gone forever).  But I told myself I will try, I will because I want to and I have never felt so strongly about doing something to achieve something, ever.  I will not let her go so easily. 

I thought about us in the past, why she left and I regretted everything.  I regretted every single f ing mistake I made in my life with her.  Besides being a bad bf and all the other things I said about myself already, I should have never, never allowed her to go back to HK and then to Paris, never. 

I SHOULD HAVE PROPOSED.  Want to know why I didn't?  Because I knew her dream proposal would be one where I would get on my knees by the Seine and propose while we are looking towards the Eiffel Tower.  I had this planned.  I was going to buy her a pair of thick dark sunglasses, take her out one evening on a trip, make her wear the glasses (pretend as if she were blind to go through airport security) and then hop on a plane.  She'd be totally thrilled.  Then I'd make her wear headphones w/ music blasting so she'd hear where the plane was going (totally sightless, noiseless and clueless).  Then we would land and I would propose.  Great idea, except she decided to go to Paris for exchange and I told myself, hey I might as well wait....

I WILL NEVER WAIT AGAIN for something so important that can be done today and put it off until TOMORROW.  I just screwed up the most important thing in my life, the most beautiful thing in my life, the thing I cherish most, I just gave it away because i waited!!  You don't know how much i hate myself at this moment.  I will never forgive me.  I have to change.  I will leave my old self and become a better person.  That way I can still go on while never really forgiving the old me.

I have decided.  I am going to show my gf that her pain has changed something inside of me. This may not sound genuine, but when you're feeling the pain that I'm feeling now, nothing can ever be the same. 

She needs to know how important she is to me.  She needs to know that I desperately want to be a better person for her.  I am going to show her.  I am going to Paris to show her.  If it means to give up everything else that is secondary (job, career, money, etc), I will.  I can do this for her.  I can do this for us.  I can do this for me.  I need to.  I need to do this and become a better person for her.  So that you can be loved by something that she deserves.

I am going to France.

And I am keeping this blog a running blog.  I will chronicle my thoughts about her, that actions I take... I will keep this running until I win her back by showing that I am a better person.  However long it takes...

I prayed to God today.

I don't know if what i'm doing will work, she may not want to see me and she may very well be scared...  I don't know how this will turn out.  I only know that this is what I want to do and have to do.  I have no other desire.  I thought I was ambitious but I could never have a singular focus on my career.  Well, I have a singular focus now.  I am going to do whatever I can to SHOW her that I love her.  SHOW not tell.  And it all starts with my self-transformation.  I will be the man that she needs and deserves, a better person than who I am today and a much better person than who I was yesterday morning.

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Fri, 05 Sep 2008 21:19:40 -0700 Day 0 http://newme.posterous.com/day-0 http://newme.posterous.com/day-0

My girlfriend left me.  My last moment with her was when were holding each other at the airport as she was preparing to pass through security check.  As she entered the line, I walked away, not daring to turn around as I had tears streaming down my eyes.  I wasn't sure what would happen, if you'd still love me after Paris.  But I found out later that evening that she had left me.  Her physical presence and her heart.

Rage was the first reaction, but I could do nothing.  She was on a plane, thousands of miles away, on her way to Paris.  I had questions, lots of them, a million why's/how could you's/i can't believe... types of questions.  Shocking pain, hurt, resentment and disappointment all bottled inside of me.  My world was buzzing, I began to have trouble breathing.  Tried to take a shower, and when I came out, my arms were trembling and my left hand felt numb with a sharp tingling sensation. 

I tried to call, she should have arrived already.  But no answer.  I called, again, and again and again.  No answer.  I felt I was losing control, serious control of who I am and what I was about to do.  I needed more badly at that MOMENT to talk to her than anything else.  I needed to ask her why and all the other questions.  I needed to know if she still had feelings for me.  I needed to know if she had lied to me about what she had said this morning.  I needed to know.  I needed assurance that there was still hope. 

I have never felt so much pain nor could i have ever imagined that a broken heart was this painful.  Pain diving so deep that it pierces into your bones.  Pain so sharp and overwhelming that it consumes you, pain from WITHIN, pain that makes your heart yearn, pain that breaks everything you have ever known about yourself.  Pain so strong that it not only consumed me but it CHANGED me.  With tears streaming in my eyes, my body laid broken.  My heart was broken....

...but strangely, I felt the beginning of a an awakening in spirit.  I had strange feeling, a feeling I could not make out that night.  But in retrospect, on the day after, I realized that while my heart was broken, my dormant soul and spirit was finally waking up.  The pain was so sharp, so strong, that it broke my pride, broke my selfishness, broke my outlook on the world, it broke everything that i had created in my own little world.  In doing so, it also washed away all the anger, all the resentment I had towards my girlfriend, it washed away me, the man that i was up until the moment she left me.

I don't blame her, it was my fault.  She loved me for 6 years, if she left me, it was my fault and my fault only.  I had no excuse not to be able to keep her.  I lost her out of my own selfishness, my own indecision, my own ego, my lack of respect for her needs, and the blatant overconfidence and overvaluing of my own needs.  I lost her.  And now I can't ask her to give me one more chance.  That would be TOO selfish of me to ask her to come back to the life she wanted to get away from.  I can't ask for another chance.  I have to make a NEW chance for us....

Back to that night, I must have called her over 60 times that night from 9 to 6 in the morning, but I never got to her.  I laid in bed wide awake, on a night when my body should have crashed from the week's chronic lack of sleep, I laid wide awake, my body full of a sick sort of adrenaline.  I have NEVER felt so much pain in my life.  Pain deep within me, irregular heart rhythms, as if I was nervous, scared... the sort of fear that one has when one is facing some sort of impending tragedy.  I was scared, scared to accept that I would lose her.  Even more scared that I already had.

I laid wide awake that night, waiting, hoping for a call.  But it never came.  My heart never recovered.

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