Why this blog?
I'm a first time blogger. I like to think, but rarely do my thoughts get put into words. I guess I am blogging because I need some place to channel out everything thought, feeling, emotion, pain, hurt, whatever it is that is inside of me. Quite frankly, I am overwhelmed emotionally. This is coming from a rather emotionally callous guy who has a reputation for being too much of a rational nutcase. Thinking back, when I get into arguments with my gf, I would always argue based on this point and that point, thinking that for some reason analytical insight wins arguments. STUPID of me. Whatever, i didn't win jack. I'll tell you what I won. What I won was maybe a slight feeling of ego based on a totally flawed perception of the world that I created. What I LOST was her love, which means more to me than anything else. I WISH I could go back in time, back to the moments that we ARGUED. This time, I would STOP THINKING and start LISTENING. Stop going with the who's right vs. who's wrong and start probing into who's really hurt and what can I DO to MAKE IT BETTER. Gosh, I was such an idiot.
so why this blog?
Well, for one, this is good self-therapy. I have no one to talk to, my gf won't call me, i have a million emotions of hurt bottled inside, and I just need to let it out. Let it out to place where no one cares and no one knows, but at least it's letting out - and that helps me. One of my best friends who is going to shanghai tomorrow called, he could tell something was wrong with my voice and asked if I was ok and wanted to hang out. I said no. I don't want to talk to anyone about this, except her. So while I wait, I'll just write.
Secondly, writing helps me think back to all the good times and bad times. I've been unhappy for a long time now and she has had to deal with that for far too long. I feel deeply sorry and I really want to change for me and for her, for us. So I hope writing will keep reminding me of what I need to do. Also, writing helps me look bad in the past and feel (not think) all the things I did wrong and if I were ever to be LUCKY enough to get another shot, how I would do THINGS DIFFERENTLY this time.
I have to change and I'm using this blog to chronicle my attempts at becoming a better person for me, for her and for us. Am I too naive, is it too late? I don't know, but the blog must go on. For her, for us. For the love of my life.